Two men stood, glaring at the first of the three prisoners pulled out of the pit. He was a Northern child; dark skinned, bald, about eleven years old. "Why do we bother, Kelvin? They'll rot in that hole eventually."
"Because it is what we have been commanded, Klyne." They made the boy kneel and the executioner raised the axe. A flurry of action by the pit. A guard called over another. After a small group of nine gathered around the edge of the crater, they scattered. Through the glass, they managed to hear some of the conversation. "What do we do sir?"
"He can't climb up that wall, it is not possible. Carry on." Suddenly, the rope thundered as something pulled it taunt. Kelvin approached the window. "Brother, what is that?" Klyne walked up as well. "That rope is supposed to be thirty feet from the bottom, and that wall is slick as ice." More commotion by the edge.
"Sir, he's climbing up!"
"Then cut the rope!" The soldier pulled a knife and started sawing. Dismay splattered across his face. "I-i-it won't cut!" More soldiers began hacking at it with their swords and spears. Finally, the captain screamed, "Dislodge the anchor: we can afford to lose a rope!" The spike used to anchor the rope was pulled out of the earth. The three men that pulled it out were dragged into the abyss in front of them. The commotion ceased.
Until a big brown hand latched onto the cliff. The hand expelled a dark violet mist. Another arm came up and hung onto the edge. A wide, purple stripe travelled from his wrist to his shoulder. The glow from those stripes illuminated his face. He looked similar to the boy; dark, bald, but he had a mangled and bloody beard. His eyes had an wild ferocity in their purple glow. The earth he touched turned to solid brass as he pulled himself out of the hole.
The captain roared and sputtered something at the guards. A soldier kicked the man. With a single motion, the man grabbed the guard and flung him into the pit. "Kill the boy already!" Not another word was uttered before the captain was pulled over the edge. The executioner raised the axe. The fury in the man's eyes burst into an open flame around the hole. As the fires roared, purple-black lightning sparked in every direction. "You'll die before you hurt him!"
A large orb of black energy formed around the crater. It was about half a kilometer in diameter. "Q'Rohda preserve us; what is that?!" Klyne choked out an explicative and grabbed his brother. He threw him down and dove to cover himself. "It's a Zero Matter Zone, stay down!" Not long after he said that, an explosion blew out the windows. Shards of glass sprinkled everywhere.
Klyne held the wound on his leg, trying to halt the bleeding. He was unfazed by the pain, rather he focused on the chief zealot as he assigned an order to them. "We know he is alive, Kelvin. If not for your brother's injury, I'd send both of you."
"It is acceptable, Lord Zealot. Kelvin is ready." Klyne stood. His leg had stopped bleeding, but the glass sliver was still lodged deep into his shin. "Send him, he is ready. I will be his confirmation." The zealot nodded and gave the order. The man, Peterson, was to be found and killed. A group of Col mercenaries were hired to assist him. "What is the name of this mercenary group?"
"They call themselves 'the Sirens'."
You have a very good way of describing your surroundings, which I find fantastic. I'm totally excited to learn more about the man from the pit, and why he's followed by purple fire. Also, this is just my opinion, but I found that when you gave a character a brief description, like the boy and the man from the pit, I found it easier to follow their actions in the story than the characters just introduced without anything I could imagine visually, like Kelvin and Klyne. Does that make sense? I'm one for brief character descriptions, whether the physical attributes or their personality.
ReplyDeleteThis is getting interesting. OK, I can't really say 'getting' because I was interested from the start. There's just a few minor things in this part
ReplyDelete'This, is where the history of the Sirens begins.' This may be just a style thing, but you don't need a comma after *This*. I actually had to look up comma rules to figure that one out.
'Until a big brown hand latched onto the cliff. The hand expelled a dark violet mist.' This isn't necessarily wrong, but it is rather clunky, especially at the start of the main action sequence. A better way might be, "Until a big, brown hand latched onto the cliff and expelled a dark violet mist." Just to keep the flow going.
You have detailed descriptions without falling into purple prose, which is very nice to read. keep on keeping on